there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
