I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
