I faked an abortion last night.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
