Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
