your parents love me but you hate me
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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