Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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