I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
