I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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