This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He has the fingertips of a God
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