and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
