Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
