my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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