All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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