my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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