She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
