mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
