saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
