Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
