his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
