God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize