I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
