So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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