Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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