i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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