my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
