i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Randomize
