I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
