Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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