i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
