I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
