That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
