Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I am naked and annoyed.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
