Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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