Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
