we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm like, not good at living.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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