see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
