Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
