He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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