Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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