Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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