I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
