If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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