Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
