I think i peed on brittanys purse
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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