you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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