Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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