Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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