Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize