what day is it and did you see me today?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
