i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
