i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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