i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
