It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
