Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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