Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You took a bar mat shot.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
