the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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