I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
