nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
