Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
