What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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