operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
