listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
