The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The air was thick with penises
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
