I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
