At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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